Pray for Jay Culter. He’s fresh off his split with Kristin Cavallari and the new chicks in his life are being murdered. His chickens, that is. Dude gets dropped by one of the most sought after girls of the early 2000’s and he’s turned to farming. Poor, sad, broken Jay Cutler is just trying to (unsuccessfully) tend to his flock.
Alert the authorities. Jay thinks it might be a chicken serial killer. Someone needs to get my man, Spencer Reid on the horn ASAP.
The top suspects for the murder of Jay Cutler’s chickens:
- Coyote
- Big ‘ol Bob Cat
- Racoon
- “Could be anything”
- His cat Thema
Can we also talk about the fact that Jay Cutler has a “chick guy?” He said and I quote: “My chicken guy dropped off some new hens this morning.” That’s next level rich-white-people shit right there.
I’m gonna go with #2. It’s probably a BIG ‘OL BOBCAT. That’s what I’m talkin’ ’bout ‘ol son!
Live look at Jay tomorrow morning:
#5 is the reason you can never trust a cat. They don’t love you. I’ve said it once. I’ll say it again. Cat’s simply tolerate you for food and spend their days hoping that you die, so that they can then eat you. Did you see the look of distain and disgust that Jay’s cat gave him? Dude was just trying to have a civilized conversation.
You know what dogs don’t do?
- Kill your chickens.
- Look at you with disgust
- Eat you when you die
P.S. Jay, he should go after Lo Boswort. I’ve always been #TeamLo. What a rebound that would be.