I’d like to propose some alternative Super Bowl halftime performers.
Don’t get me wrong, Lady Gaga is insanely talented. She’s an excellent musician, has a set of pipes and has hits for days. I love that, she’s political as hell too. Don’t be surprised if you see a big political statement during her performance. If conservative white people got fired up about Beyonce’s subtle political reference last year, their heads will likely explode this year.
That being said, I’m not in love with the idea of a Lady Gaga Super Bowl performance. It seems like a safe bet. I’m more of a gambler. Also, her current musical “relevance” is up for debate. But, let’s not dive into all that. It could be worse. Like, imagine how bad it would be if they ever chose Coldplay to perform at the Super Bowl halftime show? Oh… wait…
Here’s my alternative list.
5. Bruce Springsteen and the E Street Band (again)
“For the next 12 minutes we’re going to bring the righteous and mighty power of the E-street band into your beautiful home. I want you to step back from the guacamole dip. I want you to put the chicken fingers down and turn your television all the way up! And what I want to know, is there anybody alive out there?!”
Chills.
Need I say more? I haven’t traditionally loved the classic rock incarnations of Super Bowl halftime shows. I didn’t love The Who, U2, Elton John or Tom Petty. But, there is no band that screams FOOTBALL more than Springsteen. The Boss. Because, blue collar, salt of the earth, 9-to-5 people LOVE Bruce Springsteen. I love Springsteen. You love Springsteen. Come on, “Rosalita.” Let’s go, down to “the River.”
If I had a say in the performance, Bruuuuuuuce would get round two.
4. Justin Timberlake (redemption)
It’s been 13 long years since “the incident.” The wounds have healed and I think JT deserves another shot at this. The halftime show ban must end (if we’re discussing bans, the Muslim one sucks too). Plus, Justin has put out out a ton of great songs since 2004. By 2017 standards, a little Janet Jackon boob is no big deal. Our president talked about grabbing girls by their p’s, Justin just set a breast free. Some people might even refer to Timerlake as a liberator.
Tell me you don’t want to hear “Can’t Stop the Feeling,” during the halftime show? I don’t care if it’s the worst game in history, that song is going to have you ready to run through a wall.
3. The Weeknd and Bruno Mars (again) co-headline
These two did the Victoria Secret’s runway show together and killed it.
The Weeknd is basically what every musician in world wishes they were. He’s the “it” guy right now. He’s got radio hits, but is still respected by all musicians. He’s not really controversial. He’s cool and mild mannered. He’d be the most musically relevant choice they could make. I don’t love “Starboy” – but “Can’t Feel My Face” is still a jam. Also, he’s actually good live.
Bruno Mars is a showman. He’s a great musician and can actually perform his songs flawlessly in alive setting. He’s got a ton of fun songs to get the crowd going. Most importantly “24k Magic” is perfect. His halftime show was one of my favorites, ever.
They can bring the Victoria Secrets models along with them too.
Put your… pinky rings up… to the moon!
2. Kanye West
White America would crash Twitter if the above performance was their Super Bowl halftime show. So many racist tweets. I on the other hand would be in heaven. Flame throwers? PLEASE. Yes. I need this. It would be unreal. Alas, America would lose their collective mind. We’re talking riots in the streets, people south of the mason dixon line might actually leave the union (again) over this.
Can you imagine what a Kanye West inspired Super Bowl halftime would look like? Me either. It would be a complete and utter wildcard. The performance would add $3 trillion to national deficit if Kanye was given creative freedom. But, it would be worth every penny.
He might perform in the complete pitch black dark. He might appear as a hologram. He might not even show up. It wouldn’t matter. Everyone would be talking about it and the majority of people would find a way to hate it, even if it was the most amazing thing to ever happen. Spoiler alert. It would be. He’s a rating machine and that seems to be an issue for the NFL right now.
One rule though, he can only perform songs off of “College Drop Out.” How dope would that be? Sorry Kanye, America’s not ready for “Black Skinhead” at the Super Bowl.
1. twenty one pilots
Admittedly, I’m not a huge twenty one pilots guy. But, I respect the craft. They put on an amazing live show. I have the first album and it was really solid, but I never really became a die hard fan. I’ve seen them live twice and they’re insane. These dudes go all out and give every performance their all. I saw them perform outside, in the middle of a blizzard, and all they were wearing were ski masks and tighty whitey underwear.
There are only two of them, but with how big their sound is, you’d swear it was a full band. They transcend hip hop and rock. Imagine all of the guest stars you could have be part of the show? The possibilities are endless.
People say they suck. But, people hate anything or anyone that succeeds. Also, from my experience, most people suck too.