What goes into a nickname? Well, in Carbondale, a town where nicknames are used more frequently than legal names, many would argue that a good nickname is everything. Even names that on the surface appear to be simple sir names, aren’t always as they seem. For example, “Marvin” Dearie and “Loni” Hunter, may not remember what their real first names are. Other nicknames are rooted in creativity. Nicknames such as “One Man Gang” Milhalek “Fishsticks” Lee, and “Square Bear” Chimel show the creativity of the collective Carbondale psyche.
In the past week, a phenomena has swept over the small town (city) of Carbondale, PA. A tournament style bracket has been unveiled in hopes of crowning Carbondale’s most iconic nickname. I reached out to the face of “Carbondale Area Nickname Madness,” Landon Gabriel to explain the process.
Gabriel admits that the seed for the tournament was planted by his brother, former Syracuse Orange basketball player, Logan Gabriel. The elder Gabriel brother then established a committee that consists of Matt Colgan, Ross Tolerico and Carm Winters. The group was quickly expanded to incorporate Luke Pisarcik (of Forest City, PA) Bernie Brown (of Crystal Lake), Bill Dempsey (of Browndale, PA) and Carm Perri (the Sacred Heart one. Note: There are multiple Carm Perris in Carbondale). Eric Dottle, Joe McDonald and Ben Gardus also took place in the selection process.
Not all nicknames are created equal when it comes to this bracket. Landon explains that nicknames derived from real names, like Joe “Cavi” Caviston or Eric “Dot” Dottle are not eligible. Secretly, I think it’s because the committee knows that “Dot” and “Cavi” are a force to be feared. But, I digress.
Landon broke down the qualifying rules for me:
- The nickname must be a well known in Carbondale, PA
- Participants don’t have to live in Carbondale now, it’s actually OK if they never even lived in Carbondale, PA at all. They may have just to have “hung out at local parks” or “frequented local watering holes.”
- The nickname can’t be a derivative of the persons first or last name.
- They must be alive.
- Participants must be at least 25 years old, proving that the nickname has stood the test of time.
The bracket has been broken down into four of Carbondale’s regions, Russell Park, the East Side, the West Side and Simpson.
But, nothing comes without it’s controversy…
“This all started with a text that said, ‘Is Anus Heenan the greatest nickname in town?'” quipped Carmen Winters.
Which begs to question, how did this bracket take place without either of the Anuses making the list? Full bracket. 68 nicknames. Zero Anuses. No “Big Anus”, no “Little Anus.” Neither made the list. The Hennans weren’t invited to the dance. Gabriel explains “We wanted to keep this as PG as possible.” Fair enough.
But, critics question how much more PG the nickname “Boner” Borden is than “Anus” Heenan? Perhaps next year the Heenan’s will get their fair shots. But for now, they’re on the outside looking in.
Always the center of controversy, many question how the nickname Carmen “Spaglia” Winters was even able to lock in a 16 seed, while so many iconic names were left off the list. Some hint at his intimate involvement in the planning and selection of the bracket. “I know of at least 20 more deserving nicknames,” quipped Pete “Nitch” Nakonechni, who made up his own nickname in 2003.
“I don’t want to scream nepotism or anything,” said Nitch. “But something sure smells fishy and it’s not ‘Fishsticks’ Lee.”
Those of us at The Point After show think what the guys are doing with the bracket is great and highly entertaining. Please take the above article as it is meant to be, satire.
Keep up the good work, Joe “Cavi” Caviston, Tommy “Shaved Bird” Liko, Ed “E-weird” Skorupa and Paul Lipko, who last week decided that his nickname would be “The Advantage.” 100% all on his own. He even changed his twitter handle.